One Page Per Day?

So I heard about this neat little program from Twitter. It's called "One Page Per Day". You sign in with your Google or Twitter account and it presents you with one blank page for you to fill in a day. I'm curious what options there are once we have filled the page or finished the book. Is it easy to transfer the files to something that we can edit and use? I've decided to give it a try.

I'm at work (and so loving it as you can probably tell by the way I'm doing something completely irrelevant to my job), and there's a box of Timbits sitting seductively in front of me on my desk. My co-worker bought them for me on her lunch break in order to cheer me up. Or, here's another theory: said co-worker, who is very much aware that I would love to lose weight and be a healthier version of myself, is actually trying to sabotage my efforts. Yes, that's right folks, I have reached a new level of paranoia.

I would welcome a snack break (even though I just had lunch, and McDonalds at that), but the emails that bombard my inbox keep me here (mostly) with my eyes glued to the screen that slowly but ever so surely sucks the life out of me.

This filling the page thing is harder than it seems. I think I'll take a break, check some emails, do my actual job, you know, fun stuff!

Cakeless

So it's happening again - It's October. My birthday is this weekend and I am turning 33, (not 34 like previously stated in one of my posts and oh my God I am already going senial).

It's Friday, and I have no plans for my birthday, which I kind of prefer but it is also kinda making me sad. There wasn't even a work-cake for me today, unless they are waiting until Monday? It's not like I enjoy the spectacle of having a cake at work and doing a really sad-ass job at cutting the pieces, but I do feel that my lack of a birthday celebration is depriving my fellow co-workers of some well-deserved sugary-goodness, dammit.

I can't wait to leave work today (there is 15 minutes to go!) but not having any plans is making me a little anxious. Chances are pretty good that doing something for my day will be just another obligation - punishment for living another year if you will - most likely, an evening spent with the pseudo-in-laws. Oh, life is grand.

But maybe, just maybe, this year will be different,and good times will be had. Stranger things have happened, right?

Slogging and Nazi Yoga

I fear I'm starting to be a blog-slacker again, a slogger if you will. Maybe not,
that sounds kinda dirty. Anyway, here I am at work again, being driven over the edge by the Beast, who is so unbelievably incompetent that nobody can get a straight answer out of her about anything. Anything at all. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't have to do anything specific to aggravate me anymore. Just the sound of her voice sets me on edge. But enough about that.

I have a couple of friends who claim that yoga helps with "everything", and since i pretty much need help with "everything" i figured i should give it a try. so i am taking Beginner's Yoga for the first time in my life. I have weekly sessions on Monday nights at a yoga studio, but since one day a week doesn't seem like enough, I decided to do some drop-in yoga at the city fitness centre once a week as well. i have had three yoga sessions with three different instructors so far. i'm hoping this will be a good thing, to experience different teachers and different styles. I will at least have the consistency on Monday nights with the same instructor. i did drop-in last night and left with a vow to plot revenge against my instructor. i didn't know there were such a thing as a nazi yoga teacher. i thought they were all about flowers and energy flowing and being gentle and loving and...

i guess that was naive.

Slow Boiled Frog

today is one of those days i feel the need to justify my time here at this dream job by using it do something else, like hey, write in my neglected blog.

so i went on my supposed vacation. i drove 11 hours with my bf. at ten o'clock the night before, one of his thoughtful family members told us she is catching a ride with us. i was so happy. she was then to catch the greyhound to her final destination. but as is typical with anything planned by his family, this didn't work out. supposedly the bus was full and she had to spend the night with us at my sister's, a rather uptight person who doesn't like unexpected visitors, likes it even less than me in fact. but anyways, it's done now. not surprisingly, i ended up wishing i had gone alone, as the V (my bf) and I didn't get along too well. i was a little surprised at how i missed him when he was gone though. he took a bus to visit his family in the next city over after spending a couple of days with me. i could go on forever about this but i think i will stop here.

it saddens me that it is already September. How did that happen, really? And then September leads to October, which leads to me turning 34 (oh God!) and then October leads to winter time torture. for the next 5 bloody months. every year i say i don't think i can take another winter here. i need to move south. maybe this will be the year that finally does it.

i've been neglecting both my writing and my exercise but I'm hoping to change that this week. i finally nabbed an evening alone last night, so i started back on the drudgery of editing my second draft. and tonight, will-power willing, i will go to my first class of drop-in yoga. at least, i think it starts today.

it's strange how crisis seems to develop into routine. with each emotional breakdown comes the almost-comfort of knowing that this is it. i can't take anymore. this breaking point will inevitablely lead to change or death. change or death. but then everything calms down, and nothing changes. and death doesn't come. but i keep going. i feel like that slow boiling frog only i am more self-aware than a dying frog. i know i'm slowly dying but i don't do anything about it. i just sit there and let it happen.

A New Day

The loud buzzer signals the start of a new day. I groan into my pillow. I want to punish the messenger. I briefly contemplate the damage I could do with one blow. The carnage of plastic that would litter my bedroom. The feeling of satisfaction at having destroyed the bane of my existence.

But it's not the alarm clock that makes me feel this way. It's not the alarm clock that whispers in my ear every morning upon waking "why bother?" It's not the alarm clock that pries its way inside my chest and replaces my heart with poison.

I drift back into blissful sleep until my enemy returns. I hit the snooze button two or three times more. Until it's inevitable. I must get out of bed. I must begin my day. I must put out of my mind, at least temporarily, the Thing that wants to steal my future and poison all that I hold dear.

It's a new day.

Some days...

The Hell Beast that is my boss has returned from her vacation. She was back one day and someone was fired. It seems that just when I think this place can't sink any lower I am awed by another ridiculous scenario. After messing around with this guy's hours (he worked as a printer upstairs doing signs and banners) he is then dragged downstairs and told to do Reception. This happened because while the Beast was away, the incompetent girl she hired to replace the competent woman who worked here for 20 years and finally quit because of her, also quit. He was doing fine when she returned from her vacation. She was back one bloody day before she fired him, saying she gave him a chance and it didn't work out. She is a liar. She tried to justify it to one of my coworkers by saying that "a man shouldn't be doing that job and I gave him a chance". I was not here when this all went down, but apparently, this very quiet, very soft-spoken guy just completely lost it. He even called her the 'C' word. I can't say that he wasn't justified. He called her on her bullshit, told her she is a horrible human being, and that he feels sorry for everyone who works here. She was apparently too shocked to respond. Kinda wish I had been here to see the look on her face, but knowing her like I do, I doubt any of it seeped into that thick skull of hers.

My two days off were pretty uneventful. I think I just wanted to delay working with my boss again. I will be going on my actual "vacation" to see my family in a couple of weeks.

I think I get migraine headaches. I always just assumed when I had a nasty headache like this one, that it was part of the flu or something else, but I do have some other symptoms. My dad and my sister also get migraines so I guess it runs in the family. I just wish I had inherited one good thing from my parents, but it seems like I only inherited the bad. I really thought I was going to have hair like my mom. She didn't discover her first grey hair until she was like 50 or something. I was pretty put out when I discovered mine a year ago. I always said that I wouldn't give in to the pressure to dye my hair once I started going grey. I said I would just let it all go naturally. I also said I would not give in to the pressure to cut my hair short once I hit a certain age. I'm still holding on to that one, but I don't know if I can picture myself with long grey hair. I feel old enough as it is, you know? It's funny how something so natural can feel so...wrong. It doesn't seem right that I am aging. It doesn't seem right that everything feels like it's going downhill before my real life has even started.

It may be pretty obvious from my blog, but I'm having a hard time finding anything to be happy about. And some days, it just doesn't seem like it's worth it. Some days...

What to do...

So, the disaster waiting to happen never happened. I was freaked out for nothing. And my bf didn't get to see his brother. Or meet his nieces and nephews. They came all the way to this province only to do their thing in another city, and turn around and go home. They were only three hours away as opposed to fourteen, and his brother didn't even bother. I can't say I'm not enormously relieved that they didn't come. But it sucks that my bf cancelled his holidays so that he could stay here and see them, only for them to not show. Now it's too late for him to book holidays.

And then there's me. I was so stressed about this for two weeks. Everyday I would learn something different about the situation, and if I was going to go home I had to ask for the time off sooner rather than later. So I have the time off, starting really, really soon, and I do want to see my family, but now it's a bad time. I feel bad for taking off on the bf when he is apparently unable to go anywhere, and to top it off, my hometown is on Evacuation Alert due to surrounding wildfires. There's an air quality warning because of the smoke, and my parents don't want to leave anytime soon to come here like I suggested. They were also disappointed about the timing of my potential visit because apparently what they actually wanted, was a little family reunion with my sister and brother-in-law in another city, at the end of the month. Now I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I can change my vacation time and I'm not sure I want to change it even if I can. I want to go home, but I don't want to breathe in smoke.

I am going to scream. I want a vacation. A real vacation. Where I do stuff. And have fun. But all I ever do on my time off is go home to visit the parents. I was hoping to make the best of it this time, and try to arrange camping and hiking and all sorts of outdoorsy-type stuff. But that's out due to the air quality.

What to do...