Today I am preparing to go home for Christmas, tonight, on the bus. A 13 hour trek. And instead of frantically doing laundry, and wrapping presents, and cleaning the house, I am on the internet, writing. Why? Because this is what I do when I am stressed out. I procrastinate. I'm ridiculously good at it, in fact. Travelling really brings out the anxiety in me. Even just going home. I don't know what it is, but it makes me physically sick. Like right now. So in response to my anxiety, I have developed this very unhelpful coping mechanism - procrastination, or what I like to call, prolonging the agony and making things worse. I have so much to do before I leave tonight. I need to do it. Like now.
Despite the whole being alive thing, I can't really report much. I haven't done a lot. Nothing in my life has really changed. I'm still having health problems. And it wears me down. It feels like my body hates me. I guess that's fair, because I hate my body. Maybe it's a revenge thing. It seems every time I try to make a healthy change, my body rebels.
I was doing yoga. It was going well. For eight weeks. Then I started another class, and was feeling really good about my decision to continue with yoga, and with this particular instructor. I mean, really well. I would leave there, and actually smile to myself, and think yes, this was a good decision. Well done. Two lessons in, my body would not allow me to continue. I've decided to take an indefinite leave of yoga. Not sure where to go from here. I thought yoga would be the best form of exercise for someone like me. I'm thinking in the new year I will join a beginner's running program, see how that goes.
On the music front, I haven't been out much. The last show I went to was with Drummer Boy, and we saw a great reggae band with a powerful, dynamic female lead. Souljah Fyah, with Fendercase opening. It was not bad, but we were both in a pretty subdued mood.
I hope to see Sarah Harmer in the new year, also with Drummer Boy. But I'm feeling awkward about that. Other shows we've gone together, have just been last minute decisions, something that just happened. This would be an actual plan to go together. I shouldn't feel weird about it. Friends do these things, right? But because I'm still in this weird, limbo relationship, I feel like it will be...misinterpreted by the V. And then I have to ask myself, why would I rather go with Drummer Boy? Am I really not at all interested in doing things with the V? I know that part of it is simply that bringing the V to a show, feels like a chore, because he's not into it like I am. He's just going for me. Whereas, attending live shows is how I met Drummer Boy. It's a mutual interest, and what our entire friendship is based upon. But, a little voice that I won't allow to the forefront of my mind, tells me it's something else. Like maybe I just don't enjoy his company. And that makes me feel guilty.
Well, I think I must face the inevitable now. No more procrastination for me. I'm really hoping this trip home will be worth the anxiety.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
so i finally officially came out of the book closet yesterday and let everyone in on my writing habit. i posted my first blog post on saturday, then another one today, and announced them both on facebook and twitter. it was an odd feeling, i was scared, letting people in like that, but it also felt like a load was lifted. like, i don't care quite as much if people think i'm cheezy, or if my blog sucks, or if my writing sucks for that matter. because it's just me. take it or leave it.