Monday, July 4, 2011
I wrote this post before all Hell broke loose. But I'm posting it now anyways:
No matter what I choose, I hurt someone. No matter what I do, it will be unfair to one of us. I think I know what's right. But how can I bring myself to sever the tie that has kept us together for seven years?
I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to work. I knew that. But I let others make the decision for me. Because I couldn't. Or wouldn't. Maybe I didn't want the responsibility of making the wrong choice, so I left it up to somebody else, so that when it didn't work out, it would be their fault, not mine.
Or maybe it was simply easier to fall in to another relationship. Easier than being alone at a time when my depression had reached an all time low, or high depending on your point of view.
Or maybe it was guilt, for having led him so far only to let him go. Maybe I felt obligated to follow through, once realizing his feelings for me were not as casual as I had presumed them to be. Nobody likes to be the bad guy.
Nobody (I hope) likes to hurt someone they care about. But they make the tough decisions anyways, because it's right. Because it's necessary. Because that's life. Why am I always stuck in quicksand? Paralyzed with an inability to choose. To choose life over this slow death. But there's always consequences.
Why do I feel responsible for other people's lives and decisions? He's chosen to stay in an unhappy relationship with someone he knows doesn't love him, not the way he loves. Why hasn't he chosen another path to happiness? He must know that this one has grown over with thorns and dead trees.
But it's my responsibility because I'm the one whose feelings have grown cold. Right? Why am I so afraid to hurt someone when I know it's what's best for us both?