Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Piece That Breaks Me

Lately, I've been feeling like that game Jenga, where people gather 'round and load piece after piece, precariously, one on top of the other, until the inevitable happens and it all topples to the ground. Just one more piece, and I'm done. At least, that's how I feel. Sometimes I just wish it would happen already. The piece that breaks me. I'm feeling like it wouldn't take much these days.

Spring is slow in coming this year, which has really added something special to my ongoing depression. Yesterday was our first day of some sun though, so I'm looking forward to more sunny days ahead I hope.

I joined the running program with hopes that it will have a positive effect on my life, like it will magically trigger a chain of events that will bring...happiness, clarity, strength. I've only been to two sessions (the official sessions are once a week, but we're expected to either run on our own or in our group two more times in the week. These are called practice runs). I went to two sessions, missed one practice run because an old friend came to town, and had no intention on going to the Sunday morning practice run because it started ridiculously early on the other side of town. Without the two practice sessions in between, my second session was torture. I'm so out of shape. This past Wednesday I did a practice run though, and it felt at little easier. The runs have been extremely cold due to the piercing wind here, and the route is covered in ice and snow, and soon to be massive puddles and slush, but I'm still glad I'm actually doing this.

My sister's dog was put down a few weeks ago. They are pretty heart-broken over there. She is coming to visit me here on Easter weekend, and so are my parents, apparently. I wish I could feel excited about this, but I couldn't even feel happy about seeing one of my best friends I've known since high school. Of course, once we got together for dinner, I was glad I did. It's just hard to look forward to anything. It used to be that, if the event was some time in the future, I could be excited, be happy with anticipation. Inevitably, that excitement would turn to anxiety the closer the event came, until it reached a point where I know longer wanted the event to happen. But now, it's kind of like I've skipped straight to last phase, where I don't even want it.

About a month ago, I was basically demoted. Of course, that's not what my boss called it. There was no cut in pay, therefore it's not a demotion. But it sure felt it. She claimed the reason she was doing it was because it's a stressful job that is making me sick. She has no idea how much this place makes me sick. But that's another story. So now, like Milton in Office Space, I've been moved to the back, in a little dungeon-like office, by myself. I don't have to deal with people anymore, which is a bonus, and I pretty much got used to the idea. But it seems, whenever I find some salvation here, some little thing to cling to so that my job doesn't completely suck ass, it is taken away.

In other news...actually, no. There is no other news. If I keep writing, I'm just going to complain some more, so I think I will stop here. I will instead spend some quality time with the awesome show Community. Netflix, I love thee.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Winter is killing me...

This week is off to a bad start, and I'm not sure what triggered this change in mood. I feel irritable and emotional.

My parents are very old-fashioned and needy. If I don't call every single weekend, they get worried or offended or both. What they don't seem to understand, is that sometimes, I just need to avoid talking to them. My parents are serious downers, and every time I call, it's just a run-down of who died, who's currently dying, who was just diagnosed with cancer, and oh, why don't you call more often?

So I returned my dad's call the other day and he informed me that my aunt had a small stroke at some point. He has also had a stroke, as have numerous others on my dad's side of the family - something to look forward to?

He also informed me that my sister's dog (a black lab) has cancer and will need to be euthanized. He is only seven years old and is one stressed out little doggie. They took him in when he was two and soon realized he had a lot of psychological problems that may be a result of abuse. The poor dog is terrified of everything: stairs, strange buildings, plastic bags, his own shadow. It's heart-breaking and funny at the same time. (It's hard not to laugh when you see a giant dog jump 10 ft in the air because of a grocery bag floating serenely off the kitchen counter). One thing he doesn't lack, is character.

I feel so sad that he will have to be put down, I can only imagine what my sister and her husband are going through. They don't have children, and this dog has been their only joy in the last five years.

It could be the dog, the family, the relationship, or this neverending winter. Or maybe it's just me. But I feel confused and frustrated and lonely. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with anyone; hence, the unloading of my problems here. Lucky you!

I will keep telling myself that it will pass. Meanwhile, we are still in the dead of winter here in the barren land of Whatchimazoo. Mother Nature seems pissed. I delayed joining the running program because I realized I am most definitely not hardcore enough to start running outdoors in the winter. So I decided to wait for the spring program, which starts in...2 weeks. That doesn't leave much time for the ground to unthaw. I'm a little worried. Mesh sneakers on the frozen tundra. Not cool.