Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Piece That Breaks Me

Lately, I've been feeling like that game Jenga, where people gather 'round and load piece after piece, precariously, one on top of the other, until the inevitable happens and it all topples to the ground. Just one more piece, and I'm done. At least, that's how I feel. Sometimes I just wish it would happen already. The piece that breaks me. I'm feeling like it wouldn't take much these days.

Spring is slow in coming this year, which has really added something special to my ongoing depression. Yesterday was our first day of some sun though, so I'm looking forward to more sunny days ahead I hope.

I joined the running program with hopes that it will have a positive effect on my life, like it will magically trigger a chain of events that will bring...happiness, clarity, strength. I've only been to two sessions (the official sessions are once a week, but we're expected to either run on our own or in our group two more times in the week. These are called practice runs). I went to two sessions, missed one practice run because an old friend came to town, and had no intention on going to the Sunday morning practice run because it started ridiculously early on the other side of town. Without the two practice sessions in between, my second session was torture. I'm so out of shape. This past Wednesday I did a practice run though, and it felt at little easier. The runs have been extremely cold due to the piercing wind here, and the route is covered in ice and snow, and soon to be massive puddles and slush, but I'm still glad I'm actually doing this.

My sister's dog was put down a few weeks ago. They are pretty heart-broken over there. She is coming to visit me here on Easter weekend, and so are my parents, apparently. I wish I could feel excited about this, but I couldn't even feel happy about seeing one of my best friends I've known since high school. Of course, once we got together for dinner, I was glad I did. It's just hard to look forward to anything. It used to be that, if the event was some time in the future, I could be excited, be happy with anticipation. Inevitably, that excitement would turn to anxiety the closer the event came, until it reached a point where I know longer wanted the event to happen. But now, it's kind of like I've skipped straight to last phase, where I don't even want it.

About a month ago, I was basically demoted. Of course, that's not what my boss called it. There was no cut in pay, therefore it's not a demotion. But it sure felt it. She claimed the reason she was doing it was because it's a stressful job that is making me sick. She has no idea how much this place makes me sick. But that's another story. So now, like Milton in Office Space, I've been moved to the back, in a little dungeon-like office, by myself. I don't have to deal with people anymore, which is a bonus, and I pretty much got used to the idea. But it seems, whenever I find some salvation here, some little thing to cling to so that my job doesn't completely suck ass, it is taken away.

In other news...actually, no. There is no other news. If I keep writing, I'm just going to complain some more, so I think I will stop here. I will instead spend some quality time with the awesome show Community. Netflix, I love thee.

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