Monday, March 5, 2012

Pockets Full of Stones

I feel like my body finally had enough, and it demanded that I do something. So I finally got some answers about my chronic pain. After one appointment with a chiropractor I knew exactly what was wrong with me, and that left me wondering what the hell is wrong with the conventional medical community?

So now I'm spending time and money I don't have to be painfully "adjusted". Feeling cautiously optimistic that things will get better from here, at least physically. It has to.

I'm broken and I'm broke.

Despite the temporary zest for life I used to end a relationship I feel like I'm back to where I started. Only I'm essentially homeless.

I have nothing to show for my 34 years. No assets. No savings. No husband. No boyfriend. No children. I really thought I'd have all those things by now. Well, maybe a husband or a boyfriend. Having both seems a bit much, am I right?

So, here I am, sitting on my bed, listening to The Smiths (you know it's bad when...). trying to call my mom. The phone line has been persistently busy. Having had enough of the mocking beeps that tell me even my mother doesn't want to hear from me, I decided to write a post.

It has been a while, and since I usually use other activities to avoid writing, I thought I'd switch it up a bit, and use my writing as a way to avoid something else. Something much more urgent. Something much more deserving of my attention to procrastination:

Money problems.

 The financial disaster that is my life is finally coming to a head, and I either have to buoy myself up or let myself sink to the muddy, infested waters of complete ruin.

Feeling alone and overwhelmed. Tomorrow I have my first ever meeting with people in suits about my financial situation, to see if my life can be painfully "adjusted" too. At this meeting we will discuss my future, and the possibility of going bankrupt. I'm not sure how it all works, given that I basically have no consumer debt. All my debt comes from my seven years of education. Seven years of education that I'm not even using. Seven years of loans. Some were direct loans from the Provincial Government, some through the Federal Government, and some were Risk Share loans through my bank, also divided into Provincial and Federal. My interest relief eligibility expired long ago, and when the payments became due I just...froze.

What is wrong with me, that I can't simply cope with the every day stresses of life like everyone else? Instead, I become paralyzed with fear and I use avoidance as a way to cope, knowing full well that it will come back to bite me with more ferocity than initially intended.

But, that's where I'm at right now. Terrified, and trying not to go to my ex for the emotional support he so desperately wants to give.