Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Social Experiment Continues

The MP3 Experiment was...interesting. Good wholesome family fun. I think it would have been more enjoyable if I had been drunk. Or at least a little tipsy. But I would definitely be interested in doing something like that again. It was this improv group that was involved with the Public Library, in an effort to recruit more patrons I guess. We had Edward the Omnipotent voice on our MP3 players giving us strange instructions. We did it in the Square and it was a lot of pretending to be a statue and shaking hands with strangers and the like. It was funny. It would have been funnier if we had spread out around town so that we could encounter people who had know idea what in the Hell we were doing. But, it was a fun hour or so.

The same person who conned me into the MP3 Experiment, B, has me going paddling with her next week. Can't wait. I know my arms are going to want to fall off afterwards because I am so out of shape. It's not that I'm not trying. It's just the universe always seems to want to mess with me. I get into the working out thing, and then I get sick for two and a half weeks, or my boyfriend's insane family comes to visit and stays forever...then I'm out of my routine and it feels like starting all over again. Speaking of, I'm on Day 2 of starting all over again.

So, on April 26, I went to Band of Skulls. It was amazing. I love these guys. I mean really love them. I may have a girl crush on the bass player. She rocks. Opening for Band of Skulls was Saint Hotel and Silver Starling. Both were pretty great, though I favoured the latter. And it just makes it all the better that they apparently are connected to Arcade Fire. Yay! I love Arcade Fire. According to the paper, "Frontman Marcus Paquin engineered and mastered albums for the band, and his wife, Marika Anthony-Shaw — Silver Starling’s keyboardist/violinist — played viola on Arcade Fire’s Neon Bible tour." I had so much fun that night. I was a little worried my mood wouldn't make way for the awesomeness that is Band of Skulls, but by the second opening act, my mood had greatly improved, and by the time BOS got on stage, I was all smiles. Literally. I couldn't remove the giant grin from my face. I was pretty giddy. Too bad for me it was a Monday. Work the next day was Hell.

Next on the Social Experiment agenda:Paddling with B on Tuesday, then my friend from university days is coming to town and staying with me for a couple of days starting Thursday. I hope to drag her to an event on Friday, called Funky vs Fresh, as someone I use to work with is going to be playing there with his band.

Book Update: I have made a little more progress on my second draft. I am now on page 53. Out of 318 pages.

Check out Silver Starling, my title links to "Ghosts".

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Social Experiment

Today I puked just before leaving for work. I decided to call in and say I'm not feeling well just in case it happens again. So here I am at home, making playlists that remind me of my story and writing. The title of the blog links to my latest playlist.

I am happy to say that the last couple of days I have been working on the second draft of my book. The down side is, I'm on page 16 out of 318 pages, and it took me hours to get that far. Oh well, at least I feel like I'm making progress. I decided to work on the stuff that doesn't stress me out and overwhelm me first. Then at least it will be more coherent before I start really dissecting it.

On Friday I went to my sorta friend's place and stayed the night there with her and her four year old son. I was worried that it would feel really awkward because we have only hung out once and it was because we had a mutual friend who came to visit from Toronto. But it actually wasn't that bad. I'm not really that comfortable around kids, so I was also worried about that, but this little guy was such a charmer. It was a relaxing time. I came over after work and supper was ready for me. We had a pasta and vegan sausage. We went for a walk and went out for ice cream then we watched Dr. Horrible because I'm obsessed and will eventually be able recite the entire three acts. We had a couple of glasses of red wine and discussed how crazy we are. In the morning she made organic vegan orange poppy-seed pancakes with sunflower seeds. Yum. We went for a long walk and then I was on my way home.

On Saturday we had a friend and his daughter over for supper. It was the first time we lit up the BBQ this year. Nothing is better than the smell of BBQ. I love it. It's funny, I think it probably has the same effect on a lot of people. Like everyone has at least one happy memory associated with a barbecue, and this feeling is conjured whenever we smell sizzling meat. I find it comforting.

This upcoming Friday I am taking part in something called the MP3 Experiment. Should be a good time. I heard it was something that started in New York? Basically, everyone involved downloads an MP3 off this website and we're not allowed to listen to it until a certain time on Friday. Then in a public place at a specific time, everyone listens to the MP3 with earphones and has to do whatever it says. Should be pretty funny. The co-worker I took to see Matthew Barber sucked me into it. She's always involved in these funny little projects. It's my first time.

So that's where I'm at right now. Still taking part in the social experiment. Trying to spend time with actual humans, trying to have fun, trying to make some sort of progress. Not sure what to think of it all right now.

I'm going to do some editing on my book, and then if I'm feeling better I will go to work. I swear it. Seriously.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ugly Truths

So the free tickets for Bare Naked Ladies fell through. I should have known that anything arranged by my boyfriend's sister wouldn't work out. I guess that's okay, since I haven't really listened to them since high school. I just thought it would be nice to take in a free concert of a band that I don't normally listen to. My co-worker asked if I wanted to go see The Cat Empire in July. I'm not sure I want to yet. Their music just seems so happy.

Today, my work day started out with my insane boss screaming her head off for about 45 minutes. I'm not even exaggerating. This guy admittedly makes a fair amount of mistakes at his job, but there is just never any excuse to yell at an employee as if they were five years old. It's humiliating, and she's done it to us all at one time or another. Well, I don't think she's actually yelled at me while we are alone in the same room, she seems to know better, to know that I wouldn't take that shit from her. But she has yelled at me amongst a group of us lucky employees. It just makes me so angry.

There's nothing fair about the way things are done at my place of employment. Some employees seem to get away with a lot, and others, like today's victim, seem to be constantly bullied, picked on, singled-out and used as the scapegoat. It's just such a ridiculous place to work. Absolutely ridiculous.

So why don't I look for other work? Well because that would be logical, and I am nothing if not illogical, at least in the decisions I make. My thoughts are actually very logical, at least I think they are. It's my actions that don't make sense. Basically, what I've realized is that I stay in the mouth of Hell (as I like to call it), because I do benefit from it in some way. Despite the stress, despite the unfairness and the craziness and the ridiculousness and the lack of professionalism, there are some benefits to staying. I have internally weighed the pros and cons (see, very logical): the stress of staying in the mouth of Hell, versus the stress of looking for another job and starting again as a new employee. Also, I do get away with some things that probably wouldn't fly elsewhere. For instance, I am constantly late, my lunch hour seems to be pretty flexible, I can roll my eyes and glare at people all I want without being reprimanded, I can dress as casually as I want, and most people seem to be able to take a month long vacation every summer. I haven't tested that last one out yet, as I can't afford it. These silly little perks are all I have. If I had a job that I actually cared about, none of those things would matter of course.

The thing is, when it comes to real life, I am really, really bad at it. I can't emphasize that enough. I can't even give all the details of how badly I have sabotaged my own future. Even though this blog is anonymous, I can't admit it in writing, how much of a failure I am. This relates to my job situation because I have a mental breakdown every time I have to look for a job, and I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I make myself physically sick over it. The anxiety is too much. Just the thought of sitting in a interview makes my hair stand on end, and gives me a sick feeling. My resume was decent at one time, but it was always the interview that got me. I have never been good at faking it, and I feel that's what I have to do at interviews. Because really, who wants to hire a moody, depressed loner?

So there you have it. I would rather stay at my dead-end job than look for another. This has been at the back of mind for a while. I didn't want to admit to anyone, or myself, why I stayed at this job that I'm constantly complaining about. But that is the ugly truth. I stay because I want to.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Points of Light and Everyday Life

What was the most interesting thing about my day today? That's hard to say, there's just so much to choose from: there's being at work and checking emails, assigning dockets, answering really stupid questions on the phone; being late for work as usual, not taking a lunch break, having a pounding headache....

Today, like a lot of days, was pretty much boring, boring, boring. I would have to say the highlight of my day was having Japanese take-out for dinner, though I didn't have much of an appetite, and making this playlist for my blog.

It's strange. My life is like a movie (a really odd, boring, pointless movie). The moments that I spend outside of myself, the movie is on play: I feel kind of okay, I may even be having fun (something I'm trying to have more of lately), but as soon as the event stops, I slip back inside myself and the movie is on pause, and I'm left holding the remote control, unable to do anything but stare blankly at the unmoving image on the screen.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. But lately I've been having brief moments where I feel okay, and you would think these moments would break apart and start to infiltrate my everyday life, but they don't. They're still just isolated points of light.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Dead Tired

I was dead tired today. Actually, I'm dead tired just about everyday. I don't understand it. At work today, I was actually contemplating just spreading out on the dirty floor and closing my eyes, and I knew that I would be able to just pass out right then and there. Did I mention I hate Mondays?

In other news, I received free tickets to go see the Bare Naked Ladies this week. I haven't actually listened to any of their albums since high school (which is way way too long ago), but hey, a free to ticket to a concert is not a bad thing.

On Friday, I am going to visit a 'friend' I have only really hung out with once. And since she lives way out of town, and has a four year old child, I'm heading there after work for a little sleepover. I've been promised pancakes so I'm hopeful it will all work out. Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.

I've been trying to force myself to be more active these days in the hopes that something will ignite inside me again. I don't get it. I have been doing some things right. This past 6 months I've been exercising more, this past year I've been eating better, I've been trying to do things I enjoy, which is basically concerts, I've been trying to be more social, and I've been trying to release some of my feelings via this blog. In the last couple of years I've completed a first draft of a novel, which is at least something.

But here I am, still me. Still depressed. Still paralyzed with indecision and fear. I guess I will just keep trying? It's either that or lie down and die, right?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I Just Wanna Get In The Sun Again

This is a song called Fix My Brain, by a one-man-band called Brad Sucks. The title links to the song. It's a great song; it makes me think of my own brand of crazy. Officially, I suffer from Major Depression, with a bit of anxiety thrown in there for good measure. Unofficially, I think I have just a little piece of every mental disorder there is. And when you put all these pieces together, it's my brain. It's what makes me, me.

I have to wonder, if my depression were ever cured, would there be anything left? Because the thing is, I can't tell it from me.

rubber rooms and taking funny pills
filling up on notes and dollar bills
it’s the price you pay for feeling okay
you’re the strangest girl i’ve ever met
sending weird signals to my head
i’ve been thinking about fixing my brain
but i’m afraid i won’t feel the same
cause baby it’s all i do
i’ve been thinking about fixing my brain
but i’m afraid i won’t feel the same
cause baby it’s all i do
spending more and more time up in bed
thinking ‘bout the things i think you said
it’s been on my mind and it’s hard to find
bad habits come and come and go
i’m afraid my mind is getting slow
i swear it’s not so hard to understand
i just wanna get in the sun again sun again
i swear it’s not so hard to understand
i just wanna get in the sun again sun again

Saturday, April 10, 2010


So a couple of days ago I forced myself to ask a coworker if she was interested in going out on the weekend. I went and bought the tickets yesterday, and tonight we went to see Matthew Barber, with guests Zachary Lucky and Amy Seeley, at this little hidden gem of a music venue. Just before leaving for the show, when I was desperately trying to find something to wear, I thought, why did I do this? I just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there. But I'm glad I went. Matthew Barber was delicious to listen to, and not bad to look at either. The only unfortunate thing? In person, he looked uncannily like my ex.

I have not seen my ex since we broke up six years ago. I was just thinking about him the other day. My boyfriend had asked me if I still loved him. I gave him an awkward but honest answer, which was, how can anyone be sure until they've come face-to-face once again? A person could go years pining over someone they have loved and lost, and then suddenly come face-to-face with Him and realize that all this time they had simply been in love with a memory; that when it came to the real thing, the magic that had held them together was gone. I believe it goes the other way too. A person could go years believing that they are over it, that they are no longer in love, and then suddenly come face-to-face with Him and in that heart-crushing moment realize that moving on was only an illusion brought on by absence.

My reaction to His doppelganger up there on that stage, when he sat down to the piano, and sang his beautiful songs, with the beautiful face and hands and body of Him, took me off-guard. I couldn't help but cry, just a little bit, as I tried ever so hard to look anywhere but at Him. Worse, was that I seemed to be in his direct line of vision. It felt like we kept making eye-contact and every time we did, I wanted to hide under my table and cry like a baby. Well, in all honesty, I alternated between that, and wanting to jump up on to the stage for a tackle-hug.

What does it mean? That I'm still being stalked by His memory? A not-so-subtle hint that I haven't really moved on?

Or something more?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Deep Breaths

Ever have a job where it feels like everything you do is for nothing? This is where I'm at. And not just because essentially all I really do is shuffle paper all day long and have my soul sucked out by my computer, but because most everyone around me is doing something counter-productive.

Seriously, one day I will record this shit and make millions out of the weirdo antics of my co-workers, or more specifically my multiple bosses. I swear to you, it would be more entertaining than The Office, and dare I say it, more hilarious than Office Space.

Of course, it's only funny in retrospect. At the time, these antics are less funny, and more provoking of homicidal thoughts.

Deep breaths...

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Hope & Chocolate

I don't remember the last time I went home for Easter. I miss Easter. I find myself wishing I were back home. Beautifully coloured eggs, chocolate bunnies, and of course, the most important part, the Easter egg hunt. It was always a competition between my older sister and I. And after our own little family hunt, we would go to my grandparents, and my crazy uncle Bob would be our pretend Easter bunny, and he would hide countless golf balls on the property, and me, my sister and my cousins would have another hunt before the grand Turkey Dinner. Such amazing times I took for granted.

I really miss being a kid, and what I miss most about it is the mystery. The feeling that anything could happen, that anything is possible. The excitement of going to sleep one night to find that something magical had happened, right in your own backyard. That a mythical creature that should not logically exist, DOES exist, and the proof is in the chocolate. I miss those days when I truly believed that I was something really special. In fact, I believed I was a superhero. I believed there was some untapped resource inside me that would just wake up one day and change the world.

Only that never happened. I'm not a superhero. I haven't saved the world. I haven't even saved myself. I want that feeling back. Hope. I've lived without it for so long. But lately, every now and again, a little something wakes up inside and tries to ignite. But it doesn't take. Not yet.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Okay. Here's my Spring Resolution: I will write something everyday, no matter how mundane, right here on this blog. So what shall I write about today?

On March 30th, 2010, I had the privilege of seeing my musical heroes put on the most amazing show EVER. Muse. The concert was EPIC. I loved every moment of it. There is just something about their music that is so stirring. Their music is larger than life and so was the memorable performance they created at the concert. Matthew Bellamy's voice was absolutely flawless. I was jumping up and down like a teen at a Twilight convention. Why can't I feel that good all the time?

One thing I've learned about myself is that music makes me happy. Or sad. But always...sort of... satisfied? I've been trying to get out and go to more concerts, preferably small venue shows, because it seems to be one of the few things that makes me feel good. I was so happy to see Band of Skulls in September and was introduced to a wonderful and unique band from Saskatchewan, called Violent Kin. I am stoked that Band of Skulls is once again coming to my city and I can't wait to see them again! I think Violent Kin is also coming back this summer.
A couple years back I was blown away by the awesomeness that is Sea Wolf. I've listened to the album Leaves In the River many, many times, and one of their songs on that album reminds me so much of my story, (the one, I pretend to work on now and again). I love that music can do that. Just take you into another world, that may not even be the one they intended for you to see, but still acts as a portal to something out of your own imagination. The opening band that night was a band from New York called The Jealous Girlfriends. My favourite song of theirs is Secret Identity.

I've been sick for a week and a half, and am considering legally changing my name to the Magically-Mucous-Producing Monster. Yeah, that's right. It's a hyphenated name. Seriously though, where does it all come from??

I watched Clash of the Titans today. Though I was perfectly happy to sit and watch a movie instead of work, I think when you find yourself getting bored between action sequences, it's a bad sign. I suspect it has something to do with my lack of a penis, as the three boys I was with today seemed to thoroughly enjoy it.

I've decided (if I ever save a bit of money) that I will finally take the guitar lessons I've been meaning to take since I picked up a guitar seven years ago. My dad actually made me a guitar. His first attempt. It was this really heavy, but really tiny little thing that was made just for me. I no longer have it. He took it back. He claims he wants to fix it up some more, but I think he just wants to keep his baby home. He has since made several guitars, and mandolins. But I have one of my own again, and I don't seem to have the motivation or self-discipline to learn past a certain point on my own. I like to write music. Lyrics. Melody. And it's frustrating when I can't go beyond a certain point when I know the sort-of-song I've created, demands it.

So, yeah. Guitar lessons. Soon.