Saturday, April 10, 2010


So a couple of days ago I forced myself to ask a coworker if she was interested in going out on the weekend. I went and bought the tickets yesterday, and tonight we went to see Matthew Barber, with guests Zachary Lucky and Amy Seeley, at this little hidden gem of a music venue. Just before leaving for the show, when I was desperately trying to find something to wear, I thought, why did I do this? I just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there. But I'm glad I went. Matthew Barber was delicious to listen to, and not bad to look at either. The only unfortunate thing? In person, he looked uncannily like my ex.

I have not seen my ex since we broke up six years ago. I was just thinking about him the other day. My boyfriend had asked me if I still loved him. I gave him an awkward but honest answer, which was, how can anyone be sure until they've come face-to-face once again? A person could go years pining over someone they have loved and lost, and then suddenly come face-to-face with Him and realize that all this time they had simply been in love with a memory; that when it came to the real thing, the magic that had held them together was gone. I believe it goes the other way too. A person could go years believing that they are over it, that they are no longer in love, and then suddenly come face-to-face with Him and in that heart-crushing moment realize that moving on was only an illusion brought on by absence.

My reaction to His doppelganger up there on that stage, when he sat down to the piano, and sang his beautiful songs, with the beautiful face and hands and body of Him, took me off-guard. I couldn't help but cry, just a little bit, as I tried ever so hard to look anywhere but at Him. Worse, was that I seemed to be in his direct line of vision. It felt like we kept making eye-contact and every time we did, I wanted to hide under my table and cry like a baby. Well, in all honesty, I alternated between that, and wanting to jump up on to the stage for a tackle-hug.

What does it mean? That I'm still being stalked by His memory? A not-so-subtle hint that I haven't really moved on?

Or something more?

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