Tuesday, May 28, 2013

My Life As A Tardis

Someone recently reminded me that it’s been almost a year since I've posted anything. I knew it had been a while, but a whole YEAR?? This only serves to demonstrate how lost in the vortex of time I can become.

I know everybody feels like time flies sometimes but this is crazy. I wish it was an example of how “time flies when you’re having fun”, but this expression does not tell the whole story does it? Because not only does time fly when you’re having fun, it also flies when you are supremely unhappy – when nothing happens in your life. Because how do you differentiate one day from the next, when nothing ever happens to break up the monotony? Time flies when you’re bored to death, but for some reason this rule never seems to apply when you are at work; hence, why I’m writing this entry from The Hellmouth.

I can’t say that this past year has been completely uneventful. Maybe that feeling is just an illusion, because while things change around me, I always seem to be stuck, standing still while the world rushes by. Circumstances change but I’m still the same fucked up depressed loner I've always been.

Since I last posted a year ago, there have been some big changes. The inevitable happened with married-but-separated-cute-musician-guy who moved in last April.

On May 5th I complained on here that I was becoming closer and closer to him and why can’t I just think of him as my new best friend?

It was about 2 weeks after that post that we became cautiously more than friends. Not wanting to fall into previously made mistakes, like co-dependency, we both steered clear of the L-word , and tried to carve out a space where we could exist as simply two people enjoying each other’s company. We were both terrified of losing ourselves in each other, of starting another long-ass voyage that ends in a fiery crash-and-burn-like scenario.

Despite our best attempts at keeping some emotional distance, things progressed into a whole relationship thing. But because his life was in upheaval, he had to move five hours away, and so not long after starting a new relationship, it turned into a long distance one.

This was both good and bad. The distance allowed me to continue to work on myself in ways that I find difficult when in relationships. (More on that in a future post). It also meant that I missed him. And it also left me at times feeling a little like this was a relationship of convenience; I became insecure about his feelings for me.

His visits became more frequent though, and he moved back to this city almost a month ago. I have mixed feelings about that too, but it will have to wait for another post.

My time here at the Hellmouth is coming to a close, for today. But, I will try and create some momentum and post again tomorrow. Until then, if the apocalypse comes, beep me.


A. Opstein said...

She's back! Yea!

Something you said there really sparked a train of thought in me: "The distance allowed me to continue to work on myself in ways that I find difficult when in relationships." Huh. I really do become less interested in making myself better when in a relationship. Is it because we are so focused on the other person that we disregard ourselves? We stop caring about being better? That makes me think of all the people who suddenly have this desire to use the workout room in a hotel while traveling when they have not been to a gym in months. Maybe change in environment stimulates change. Interesting!

I apologize, I seem to be blogging on your blog! I, for one, am thankful that you are back.

MaryPoppins said...

Aw thanks!

I like your gym analogy. I'm not exactly sure why we do (or don't do) what we do (or don't do) in relationships...

Too many years ago it dawned on me that I had been in serial relationships since the age of 14, and who really knows who they are at that age...

I often wonder if I stunted my personal growth because of of the soul...? okay, that's totally the title of my next post :)

Oh, and you have my permission to blog on my blog anytime :)