Thursday, September 2, 2010

Slow Boiled Frog

today is one of those days i feel the need to justify my time here at this dream job by using it do something else, like hey, write in my neglected blog.

so i went on my supposed vacation. i drove 11 hours with my bf. at ten o'clock the night before, one of his thoughtful family members told us she is catching a ride with us. i was so happy. she was then to catch the greyhound to her final destination. but as is typical with anything planned by his family, this didn't work out. supposedly the bus was full and she had to spend the night with us at my sister's, a rather uptight person who doesn't like unexpected visitors, likes it even less than me in fact. but anyways, it's done now. not surprisingly, i ended up wishing i had gone alone, as the V (my bf) and I didn't get along too well. i was a little surprised at how i missed him when he was gone though. he took a bus to visit his family in the next city over after spending a couple of days with me. i could go on forever about this but i think i will stop here.

it saddens me that it is already September. How did that happen, really? And then September leads to October, which leads to me turning 34 (oh God!) and then October leads to winter time torture. for the next 5 bloody months. every year i say i don't think i can take another winter here. i need to move south. maybe this will be the year that finally does it.

i've been neglecting both my writing and my exercise but I'm hoping to change that this week. i finally nabbed an evening alone last night, so i started back on the drudgery of editing my second draft. and tonight, will-power willing, i will go to my first class of drop-in yoga. at least, i think it starts today.

it's strange how crisis seems to develop into routine. with each emotional breakdown comes the almost-comfort of knowing that this is it. i can't take anymore. this breaking point will inevitablely lead to change or death. change or death. but then everything calms down, and nothing changes. and death doesn't come. but i keep going. i feel like that slow boiling frog only i am more self-aware than a dying frog. i know i'm slowly dying but i don't do anything about it. i just sit there and let it happen.

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