Friday, July 23, 2010

Much Needed Rant Otherwise Known as FML

I've been in an anti-social-loner-rut for as long as I can remember. I sometimes wonder how I got this way. I was always the odd kid who didn't talk. I've been told to smile more since pre-Kindergarten. I've been terrified of social interaction since pre-Kindergarten. This made school stressful. I was horrified at the idea of public speaking. Of being called on in class. I know where the expression "painfully shy" comes from, because the anxiety experienced from social situations was actually physically painful at times. The sweats, the stomach cramps, the racing heart beat, the shakes. I had it all. Over time, these reactions dulled a bit, but never really went away.

The fact that I don't play well with others, posed a problem in college and university. At first, the roommate arrangement was not too bad. There was an adjoining bathroom with one other person. This was how I lived at the college dorm for two years. But then I moved on to university, where living in the dorms meant sharing everything but your toothbrush with three other people. This was a predictable disaster. The building I lived in happened to be THE place to party, and it just so happened that our dorm in particular, at the end of the hall, was party central. Plus, I couldn't stand my roommates. The situation only lasted one semester before I absolutely had to get out. So I rented a tiny basement suite off-campus and lived by myself for the next five years or so. Though it was a little cramped, it was pretty much perfect for me.

I miss my solitude. And I'm living with one person. It's tolerable, Except that he comes with a lot of baggage, and that baggage is what some normal-types like to call "family". Every summer I dread the day that some faction of his family will impose themselves on us. And they always do. But it doesn't even need to be summer. The last incident was a few months ago. His sister, her husband and their son and daughters and their boyfriends came for a surprise visit. They showed up in the middle of the night to say "Surprise! Ten family members are here and will be staying with you for a week and a half!" It was 3:00 in the morning. Is it unreasonable of me to find this ridiculously rude and imposing? I could not imagine doing that even to my parents. By myself. Just showing up in the middle of the night at the Greyhound station or something and saying "surprise! now come get me and oh, by the way, i will be staying at your house for a week and a half."

So the latest drama that is my life is this: my bf has a brother that I've never met. I have only heard about him. Mostly horror stories. He lives with a woman who has been described as a crack-whore. Seriously. They have five kids, and a drug and alcohol habit, but are supposedly clean now. The only time big-brother calls (and at all hours) is to bum money and he is a notorious mooch. My bf hasn't taken a real vacation of any kind for a long, long time. The closest thing resembling a holiday would be accompanying me to my parents place for Christmas, and trust me, that is no holiday. He hasn't even done that in the last few years. So, he finally decides that for his birthday, he is going to take a road trip with his dad, to the city that holds the rest of his family. He called his brother to tell him this. The next day his brother calls and says, "oh, you can't come here, I'm coming to your city and staying with you." His whole freakin' family is going to stay at our house. My bf et al are betting that once he gets here, he won't leave. That they will stay for a minimum of one month because he will be between "pay cheques". My home will no longer be my home.

I don't know what to do. I feel I don't have enough alone time as it is, living with my bf. I cannot handle having his whole family here. Maybe it would be different if they weren't so imposing. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know his brother was a mooch. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know the mother of this guy's children was a thief. Or if the kids were well-behaved. But everyone knows this is going to be a disaster. I've been mostly keeping my mouth shut on the matter because I don't want to say something really hurtful that I will regret.

I feel angry. And trapped. And every time something like this comes up I feel like I'm being hit over the head by Captain Obvious saying "Hello! This is not your life! This is not how it was supposed to be!" But do I ever listen?

I'm left feeling like I just want to run away. In fact, a co-worker has offered for me to stay with her during this fiasco. I was thinking that maybe I would try and take my vacation days for when they are here, and visit home. I've been thinking of going back for a while now. I have to figure this out soon though. Supposedly, they will be here on the 31st.

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