Much Needed Rant Otherwise Known as FML

I've been in an anti-social-loner-rut for as long as I can remember. I sometimes wonder how I got this way. I was always the odd kid who didn't talk. I've been told to smile more since pre-Kindergarten. I've been terrified of social interaction since pre-Kindergarten. This made school stressful. I was horrified at the idea of public speaking. Of being called on in class. I know where the expression "painfully shy" comes from, because the anxiety experienced from social situations was actually physically painful at times. The sweats, the stomach cramps, the racing heart beat, the shakes. I had it all. Over time, these reactions dulled a bit, but never really went away.

The fact that I don't play well with others, posed a problem in college and university. At first, the roommate arrangement was not too bad. There was an adjoining bathroom with one other person. This was how I lived at the college dorm for two years. But then I moved on to university, where living in the dorms meant sharing everything but your toothbrush with three other people. This was a predictable disaster. The building I lived in happened to be THE place to party, and it just so happened that our dorm in particular, at the end of the hall, was party central. Plus, I couldn't stand my roommates. The situation only lasted one semester before I absolutely had to get out. So I rented a tiny basement suite off-campus and lived by myself for the next five years or so. Though it was a little cramped, it was pretty much perfect for me.

I miss my solitude. And I'm living with one person. It's tolerable, Except that he comes with a lot of baggage, and that baggage is what some normal-types like to call "family". Every summer I dread the day that some faction of his family will impose themselves on us. And they always do. But it doesn't even need to be summer. The last incident was a few months ago. His sister, her husband and their son and daughters and their boyfriends came for a surprise visit. They showed up in the middle of the night to say "Surprise! Ten family members are here and will be staying with you for a week and a half!" It was 3:00 in the morning. Is it unreasonable of me to find this ridiculously rude and imposing? I could not imagine doing that even to my parents. By myself. Just showing up in the middle of the night at the Greyhound station or something and saying "surprise! now come get me and oh, by the way, i will be staying at your house for a week and a half."

So the latest drama that is my life is this: my bf has a brother that I've never met. I have only heard about him. Mostly horror stories. He lives with a woman who has been described as a crack-whore. Seriously. They have five kids, and a drug and alcohol habit, but are supposedly clean now. The only time big-brother calls (and at all hours) is to bum money and he is a notorious mooch. My bf hasn't taken a real vacation of any kind for a long, long time. The closest thing resembling a holiday would be accompanying me to my parents place for Christmas, and trust me, that is no holiday. He hasn't even done that in the last few years. So, he finally decides that for his birthday, he is going to take a road trip with his dad, to the city that holds the rest of his family. He called his brother to tell him this. The next day his brother calls and says, "oh, you can't come here, I'm coming to your city and staying with you." His whole freakin' family is going to stay at our house. My bf et al are betting that once he gets here, he won't leave. That they will stay for a minimum of one month because he will be between "pay cheques". My home will no longer be my home.

I don't know what to do. I feel I don't have enough alone time as it is, living with my bf. I cannot handle having his whole family here. Maybe it would be different if they weren't so imposing. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know his brother was a mooch. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know the mother of this guy's children was a thief. Or if the kids were well-behaved. But everyone knows this is going to be a disaster. I've been mostly keeping my mouth shut on the matter because I don't want to say something really hurtful that I will regret.

I feel angry. And trapped. And every time something like this comes up I feel like I'm being hit over the head by Captain Obvious saying "Hello! This is not your life! This is not how it was supposed to be!" But do I ever listen?

I'm left feeling like I just want to run away. In fact, a co-worker has offered for me to stay with her during this fiasco. I was thinking that maybe I would try and take my vacation days for when they are here, and visit home. I've been thinking of going back for a while now. I have to figure this out soon though. Supposedly, they will be here on the 31st.

Summer Panic

It is mini-Friday at work and as per usual, I am wishing I were just about anywhere but here.

I'm beginning to panic about summer. Because well, it's already the end of July and I feel like it hasn't begun. Then I start thinking about how autumn is just around the corner, and while I really like autumn, I do not like the not-so-subtle reminder that winter is on it's way.

I am the world's worst planner when it comes to my personal life. For some reason, the idea of making plans for the future, of any kind, even the fun kind, like vacation plans, practically has me breaking out in a sweat. I think it's because of my inability to make decisions. Anxiety takes over the decision-making process, every time. Every decision I'm faced with becomes life or death. What if I make the wrong decision? Take a different route home and get stuck in traffic? Order something unfamiliar from the drive-thru and not like it? Make vacation plans and then something better comes along? Such trivial things but decisions, big and small, leave me feeling trapped. In my own little bubble of course.

Life is passing me by. I know this. I feel it in my bones. Yet, I haven't been able to make a change. I was discussing my ambivalence with a friend last week, and she asked when the last time was that I was absolutely sure about something. And sure enough to do something about it. To act on it. Moved to take action. And I realized it was seven years ago when I knew it was time for me to leave the small town I had called home for seven years. It was like somebody had just flipped a switch in my brain, or like the light finally came on. Everything clicked at once. I was finished university. I was finished the short-term contract job I had been working. There was still the matter of a relationship that was going nowhere, but my sudden urge to leave town eventually took care of that. I just knew that I had to get out. Unfortunately, this sudden clarity only had negative consequences, but still, I want that clarity back. I left town, I met somebody new, and I started over. And everything fell into place so easily, like the universe was telling me, "yes, finally, you have done something right. This was how it was meant to be." And then the universe gave me the finger, and said, "what are you stupid? i was kidding."

Transformative Thunder

The weather seems bi-polar this year. It will go from being extremely hot and humid to a rain storm in the same day, at least a couple of times a week. Today, it is thunderstorm weather, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to let up. I wonder if that is why I keep dreaming of tornadoes. I do like waking up to the sound of the rain pounding on the rooftop, and the sound of thunder rolling in as if from a whole other universe. Like it’s going to bring with it something new and amazing - something out of this world. That’s why it’s all the more difficult to wake up and go to work - just another mundane day. This morning, I just wanted to lie there and soak in this new energy and hope that it will transform me into something new. Something better.

So here it is Friday again, and so far, I have no plans. Last weekend, I decided on Plan A: OK Go concert with drummer boy and a bunch of people I don’t know. I had fun for the most part, though I’m still a little confused about drummer boy’s motivations. Every time I think I know, he does something to make me question what I thought I knew to be true. I am back to believing that he has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. He’s just really, really affectionate. If it were any other guy, I would say he’s giving off some pretty strong signals. But this is drummer boy: he who hugs a lot and rubs shoulders and places hand on smalls of back, a lot. Some might even say excessively. After the concert, four of us went out for sketchy Chinese food in sketchy Chinatown. I didn’t feel very well so I didn’t eat much. But let me just say, Black Pepper Beef is the shit. It doesn’t seem to be on the usual take-out menus. So, after Chinese food, I was Shanghai’d into driving drummer boy home. He talked my ear off for probably 45 minutes as we sat parked in front of his house. And in this 45 minutes, I would say there was a good 8 minutes of hugging. It was because he said he was leaving three times, and each time he needed a hug. A very long hug. He did explain that he likes to see people’s reactions to his extended hugs. But it does make me wonder if he ever gets into trouble this way.

Okay. Enough about drummer boy. Geez.

Like the weather, I can’t seem to make up my mind about a lot of things. Most importantly, I can’t decide whether or not to give up. Sometimes I feel a sense of hope, but then I always snap back to what seems to be my reality: despair. There is not a single area of my life that is satisfactory. If our lives are divided into four equally important areas - spiritual, physical, social, and emotional, I am lacking in every one. I feel spiritually empty, or confused at best, I have chronic pain and no energy, I’m socially awkward, and we all know I’m emotionally unbalanced. So where does that leave me? I will have to write more on this later.

Weekend Anxiety

So the weekend is here (it's less than an hour to closing time) and I still don't know what I'm doing tonight. I feel I should go out but I don't really want to, and I feel like I have to go out because there's a certain someone whom I live with that I really don't want to spend time with this weekend. Soon I will have an anxiety-ridden meltdown.

I can a)go to an OK Go concert tonight with people I barely know, if there are still tickets available like they were last night, b) go bar-hopping all over the avenue to check out a bunch of mini-concerts, but by myself, or c)spend a miserable evening at home trying to avoid talking about why I'm in such a pissy mood.

I'm so tired right now, and I have a headache, I really just want to sleep it off. But I'm pretty sure that's out of the question.

Everyone I know is either camping this weekend, or is involved in the infamous and oh-so-cliche bachelor party shenanigans. Of course, if I had more friends, (real friends, not co-worker friends or friends-with-my-boyfriend-friends) then I wouldn't be having this dilemna right now.

I think maybe that's my attraction to drummer boy. I want a real friend. All my own. And he is sweet. And obviously caring. He's a music-lover. And a musician. And I just want him to make me feel better. Is that pathetic? He is going to this concert tonight. He's going with a bunch of his friends, and it just sort of came up last minute on Facebook last night. Now I'm not sure I will be comfortable hanging out with just him and his friends. I will feel like an intruder. Like I'm imposing myself. (Would that make me an imposter?)

And to top it all off, I have nothing to wear. Seriously. I need to go shopping. But I'm afraid there won't be time.

Why do weekends have to be so complicated?

Surreal

Tomorrow after work, my boyfriend and I will be visiting his aunt. Her husband was Bill. Just thinking about her last night brought me to tears. I can't even imagine, and I don't want to imagine being in her shoes. It was so sudden. People always say that but it's true. He fell down a few stairs, hit his head, and was in a coma. His brain was bleeding. There was no hope of recovery. The decision was made by the doctors to take him off life support. Apparently the accident happened around two in the morning on Saturday night/Sunday morning. My boyfriend and I were at the hospital with Bill and the family from about 5:00 AM. It was the worst 9 hours of my life. I can't imagine what it was like for his wife and children, and mother. His elderly mother took a flight here to watch her 55 year old son die. Bill's wife loved him so much. She was wailing and crying so hard she couldn't breathe. Her chest hurt. Because he was ripping her heart out. That's what she said. She leaned over his body and cried over and over, "don't do this to me, I can't do this, don't leave me". The most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen. Thinking about it now is making me really cry. It was all so surreal. He was just lying there, but there was no visible injuries and his life support kept him breathing regularly and his blood pumping, so he looked...healthy. So it was hard to accept that he wasn't really there anymore. I heard the doctor say that only his brain stem was functioning. We were all there when he took his last breath. That was hard. Really, really hard.

His wife is not handling this so well. When people come over to see her, she just stays locked away in her bedroom and she won't stop crying. I don't know what to say to her. How we can make it better for her.

I didn't know I was going to write about this. But I don't really talk about it with anyone.

My Unattractive Tardiness

So here I am, bored at work again, and wisely using the time to do something other than be productive.

Last weekend, on the Friday, I met my proofreader and her boyfriend at my favourite music venue to watch a friend and his band. They left early because she was way too drunk, and after the bar closed, I went with a bunch of dudes to Denny's. I have not been to a Denny's since my college days. It brought back fond memories of going out to the bar with friends, and then needing to satisfy the munchies when nothing else was open. It's an interesting cross-section of society that ends up at Denny's in the middle of the night.

So as I mentioned, I've been having more difficulty getting out again and Friday was no exception. I was literally dreading it.

It doesn't make sense. I had plans to go to one of my favourite places, to do something I love doing and meet up with people I genuinely like. So why is it when the time comes, I always just want to hide under a rock and die? When I came home from work on Friday, I took one of my "I-don't-want-to-be-alive-right-now-so-I'm-just-going-to-take-a-nap-and-hope-the-world-goes-away-naps". This of course made me late and I missed some of their performance.

I didn't expect to see this guy, who is a drummer in another band, but he was sitting at our table. Here I was, trying not to be too hard on myself for being late, when this guy, we'll call him D, gave me a hard time about it. I told him, that was just me, it's my thing. His response? "Tardiness is a very unattractive quality", to which I responded "Did you just call me unattractive?" Despite my apparent unattractiveness he was extremely affectionate all night. He is probably the most flirtatious, affectionate guy I have ever met. Now I have people reading too much into his behaviour. And it makes me wonder. And it makes me think of things I shouldn't think about. Did I mention that he is actually a really, really good boy? Like hypothetically speaking, his only motivation for wanting to be with me would have to be to save me? I can just see him asking me out on a date, to his church, and me having to explain why I musn't enter for fear of bursting into flames.

So this weekend there is a music festival taking place along a popular avenue. There will be concerts of all kinds going on all day and all night at pretty much every bar along the avenue. You pay thirty bucks for a wristband for the whole weekend. I'm still not sure if I'm going. But it sounds pretty fun.

I guess we shall see.

The Devil's On Vacation

The Beast is on vacation from the Hell Mouth, as of today. The Beast is of course, my insane boss, and the Hell Mouth, well, it's been my fond nickname for my place of employment for a long while. Words cannot describe how much less tension there is when she is not around. Her office is directly behind mine, and there is a window. She of course has blinds that she can close any time she chooses, which is never, so pretty much everyday I feel like I'm in a little glass box for her to keep an eye on. Since she's not here, I figured I can find better use for my time than work. (It's really slow today.) It sucks that anybody has to be here today at all, as yesterday was Canada Day (a stat holiday). We have to come in for one day before the weekend. Unless your're the Beast. She's in Shanghai.

I've been having difficulties with being social again. Well, truthfully, it didn't really get any easier, but I was kind of on a roll, you know? It's so easy to just slip back into a loner-rut. My co-worker wanted to do something yesterday for the holiday, but I didn't text her like I said I would, so we didn't do anything. The best part of my day yesterday (other than not being here at work)was going for authentic pizza. Oh my Goddess. It was so delicious. The thin crust, the homemade pizza sauce made with fresh tomatoes, the sizzling and spicy Italian meat. Heaven. I will definately have to eat there again.

Other than that, it was kind of a dud. We didn't take in any of the festivities. Not even the fireworks. Guess I'm just not that patriotic.

Tonight I'm supposed to see a band at my favourite music venue because a co-worker is the drummer. I've tried to obtain something resembling a commitment from my significant other as to what we will do tonight, but he has not given me his answer yet. I don't really feel up to going, but I know if I do not, I will end up having a really boring, guilt-ridden night. Guilt-ridden because, in my head, I will use my writing as an excuse to stay home, (hopefully alone), but in reality I will eat junk food, watch Stargate Atlantis, and possibly end the night early by falling asleep on the couch with my contacts in.

So yeah. Guess I'm going out tonight. Look at that, I just made a decision.