Sunday, March 14, 2010


So... I haven't tried editing my book since the last post.. (Isn't there an embarrassed Emoticon on this thing??)

Anyway, in other news....

Sharon is still in a flux of confusion. Will there ever be anything else? I'm in a relationship, that I have finally decided is going nowhere. I can't see a future with us together. Hell, I can't even see a future with myself. What's really sad is, we have gone from being a couple that fought constantly, because we were incompatible, to a couple who has given up even the fighting. We don't really argue anymore. It's like we've both just given up. He is miserable, I know. Why does he stay with me? Is it because he feels he can't have anybody else? Is it the pressures of getting older? I don't feel insulted by this, the idea that he might be staying with me because he feels he has no other choice. I feel I deserve this. I feel responsible for his misery. I feel that if we break up now, and he doesn't find anyone else, and start a family, that it will be my fault, for wasting his time. Never mind the fact that I have the same fears. Never mind the sick reasons that I must stay with him. And what are these reasons? I have become such a weak person. Ironic. I have aways had such a complex about being weak. Because of my size, maybe? People would always look at me and say cute, and so fragile! I took offence to this. But it turns out to be true. I am weak. Emotionally. I am such a recluse, and yet I am afraid to be alone. How fucked up is that?

In addition to this, I seem to have an immense guilt complex, and I seem to feel guilty about this, because how arrogant is it of me, to feel so guilty about the idea of leaving him, that I just stay in this miserable relationship? I mean, people get over it. He would get over it. Where does this arrogance come from? But the fact remains, I cannot stand the idea of hurting him in the short term ... to think of it, makes me want to stab myself. Disturbing? Well, I sometimes think I am disturbed, so that fits. With every day that passes, I feel another step towards the end. And the worst of it is, I'm dragging him down with me. Why won't he just leave me?

No comments: