Disturbed

So... I haven't tried editing my book since the last post.. (Isn't there an embarrassed Emoticon on this thing??)

Anyway, in other news....

Sharon is still in a flux of confusion. Will there ever be anything else? I'm in a relationship, that I have finally decided is going nowhere. I can't see a future with us together. Hell, I can't even see a future with myself. What's really sad is, we have gone from being a couple that fought constantly, because we were incompatible, to a couple who has given up even the fighting. We don't really argue anymore. It's like we've both just given up. He is miserable, I know. Why does he stay with me? Is it because he feels he can't have anybody else? Is it the pressures of getting older? I don't feel insulted by this, the idea that he might be staying with me because he feels he has no other choice. I feel I deserve this. I feel responsible for his misery. I feel that if we break up now, and he doesn't find anyone else, and start a family, that it will be my fault, for wasting his time. Never mind the fact that I have the same fears. Never mind the sick reasons that I must stay with him. And what are these reasons? I have become such a weak person. Ironic. I have aways had such a complex about being weak. Because of my size, maybe? People would always look at me and say aw.....so cute, and so fragile! I took offence to this. But it turns out to be true. I am weak. Emotionally. I am such a recluse, and yet I am afraid to be alone. How fucked up is that?

In addition to this, I seem to have an immense guilt complex, and I seem to feel guilty about this, because how arrogant is it of me, to feel so guilty about the idea of leaving him, that I just stay in this miserable relationship? I mean, people get over it. He would get over it. Where does this arrogance come from? But the fact remains, I cannot stand the idea of hurting him in the short term ... to think of it, makes me want to stab myself. Disturbing? Well, I sometimes think I am disturbed, so that fits. With every day that passes, I feel another step towards the end. And the worst of it is, I'm dragging him down with me. Why won't he just leave me?

My Really Ugly Baby

So this weekend I finally cracked open my novel to begin the painful editing process. I feel relieved that I am back to work on it, and somewhat encouraged, but in all honesty I have spent most of this "editing" time re-reading advice in various books and correcting the minor flaws that don't really worry me. But I guess I have to start somewhere, right?

I'm really struggling with point of view. I wrote my entire first draft in first person, past-tense point of view, but now I'm wondering if this is the best route to go. My character undergoes some pretty heavy changes, and I wonder if it would be best to change point of views so what she is thinking at the time remains a mystery, and also I wonder if maybe the real action is with some of the other characters...I don't know.

My sister tells me I should join a writer's group. And I do like the idea of a writer's group, but I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it, I would feel too awkward and insecure about my ideas. I would feel like a fraud. Then there's the irony of being over-protective of something I don't really seem to have faith in in the first place. My novel is like a really ugly baby: hard to look at, but I still love it and am afraid to let it go; afraid it will be judged unfairly by others who haven't loved and nurtured it as I have. Okay, maybe that's rude to ugly babies everywhere. Maybe I should compare it to a totally evil baby, but that's just plain creepy.... Regardless, it would still be nice to receive feedback and advice from people who have been there. Sigh.