Cosmic Failure

Okay, I haven't written in a while. So here goes.

It's 9:08 in the evening. I am currently listening to Blue Foundation. I'm considering leaving my office chair to purchase some items from the liquor store: vodka and triple sec. Yes, that's right folks, I am considering a Cosmo thanks to my Savi friend ;-)

So what have I been up to other than moping, crying and generally freaking out? Not much. On the music front I've only been to one event - a fundraiser featuring a co-worker in a great local band. We stuck around for their set and another band's but didn't stick around after that.

Tomorrow I'm going with my co-worker B, to watch a different friend participate in Round 3 of a province-wide battle-of-the-bands type thing. He's a great musician and has agreed to give me beginner guitar lessons! Yay! I decided to ask him first before going somewhere else. I think he will be a great teacher and as a bonus I can help support a friend. So it's a win-win.

I had a huge blow-out with my insane boss the other day. I knew it was coming. I don't feel like delving in to the boring details but I left her office knowing that I am finally ready to move on from the nut-house. Course, the anxiety I am going to experience as a result of this revelation may send me to an actual nut-house, but whatev. At least I will be out of there.

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So, here's the thing. I made my Cosmo last night. Had a few sips and fell asleep. With my contacts in. And the lights and the television on. I woke up at 6:00 AM feeling like crap. Slept for a few hours more.

So my Cosmo was a completely fail. I will have to try harder tonight.

Anyway, I'm still plugging away at my second draft. I once thought I would really enjoy the editing process. But I have to say, I was wrong. It's slow and tedious and frustrating.

And it's how I'm spending my day.

Off to editing drudgery.

Stake Through the Heart

I'm sitting in my favourite place to go for lunch and have ordered a vegetarian stir fry. I left a little earlier than usual because I honestly think if I stayed another minute I would have had a melt down. I guess I already had a little one. I sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes alternating between crying and trying not to cry. Finally I just said "fuck it. I'm getting out of here".

It was very difficult to get out of bed this morning, like it is every morning. I even got more sleep than usual because I know being really tired amplifies everything. But it didn't help. I open my eyes and the first thing I think about is why do I bother? The first thing I think of doing is putting a stake through my heart. One that's long enough to go right through my chest and pin me to the bed I feel so trapped in.

Well my food is here now. One of the reasons I like coming to this place is because of the Thai radio station they usually listen to, which I find oddly soothing, and the fact that I'm usually alone in here. The ambience is different today.

I think I'm listening to The Backstreet Boys.

Okay. Must eat. May write later.

Things get better with food, right?

Automatic Thoughts

My monster is back with a vengeance. All I can do is look around me at the people all going about there day like there's some kind of point to it. But there isn't. Not really. At least not for me.

I don't know how many times in a day I have those automatic thoughts of death: suicide, horrible accident, just plain giving up and turning to dust. But they seem to be my constant companion now.