Military guy enters Printing Palace.
Enter my insane boss, we'll call her Fang.
Fang: "OOh, where's your gun?"
Military Guy: "I ah, didn't bring it?"
Fang: "Ohh, next time you must show me your big gun!" Gush gush, flutter, flutter.
Fellow proofreader, we'll call her Ellen, comes to work, late as usual, but early for her.Fang: "You know, you are like my dog. Should I give you a treat every time you're good?"
At one of our infamous "staff meetings", Fang drills the boys on their relationship status. She picks on one especially nervous Graphic Designer, we'll call him Christoph.
Fang: "So...do you have a girlfriend or what?"
Christoph: "No...I don't have a girlfriend."
Fang: "What? No girlfriend? What are you gay?"
One of my personal favourites: today's "staff meeting". For this one, I need to give a little background information. I work at a printing/publishing company. I am an Artwork/Proofing Supervisor. There is one proofreader, Ellen, and five Graphic Designers. There is one very special Graphic Designer, we'll call her Bao. Bao is an interesting character. She is about 4'3" and very good at what she does. She does not have a life outside of the Printing Palace. She works 11 or 12 hour days, willingly, and is pretty much the queen of the Palace. Bao does not have to answer to anyone. And if you get on her bad side, she will chew you out. Pretty much everyone is afraid of her, including my boss Fang, and the owner Jiang. So they cater to her.
Recently, Fang realized that Bao has too many dockets on her desk. This is a concern, not because jobs are becoming delayed, but because she worries it stresses her out too much. So, she told me, (I assign the dockets), to secretly assign jobs that should go back to her because they are repeats, to another artist. So I did. Bao caught me and chewed me out. This brings us to today's meeting, which Bao was not required to attend.
After giving everybody shit for one thing or another, she delves into her favourite topic: Bao's delicate disposition.
Fang: "Okay, we all know Bao gets frustrated really easy. I've asked Sharon (that's me) to lie to her. She lie to her all the time! She going to assign Bao's jobs to all of you, but if you have any problem, like you can't find on server, or you can't find font, do NOT go to Bao. Do not even talk to Bao okay? Even Sharon, she don't like to talk to Bao, I know. And Ellen, when you drop off a docket for corrections, you just drop it off an go! No talking! If you must, talk really fast! Think of Bao as like a tiger!"
In response to this ridiculous yet not surprising demand, I wrote a memo to the artists, (not Bao of course!) with a few of my own demands. I will share said memo here:
Re: ARBITRARY RULES THAT MUST BE FOLLOWED BY ALL STAFF (and by all I mean the four people who were at the meeting, you know who you are.)
Anyone who wishes to speak with me must avoid eye contact and look only at the upper left corner of my forehead.
Also, in order to speak with me, you must be a leprechaun. if you are not a leprechaun, you must obtain permission from the Leprechaun Society of Canada (LSC) and present me with a signed copy of the permission slip.