Where To Go From Here

So...once again, it's been a very long time since I wrote last. I'd rather not give an update on my boring life just now. What I want is to rant about my lack of writing skills.

I've taken a long time off from my little book project. Did I mention that I've basically finished my first draft? Yeah, that was how many months ago? I've lost track. I decided to take some time off before I started working on my second draft. There was of course a completely logical reason for this. I've read that it's a good thing to do, to take time off between drafts, to clear your head, come back to your story with a fresh mind. Only, I'm not sure that's the real reason. What is the real reason? I don't know. That I'm a slacker? That I'm lazy? An under-achiever? Or maybe just not smart enough, or talented enough? Not creative enough. I felt hopeful for a little while, that maybe I had finally realized what I am meant to do with my life. I'm 32 and I still haven't come close to figuring that one out. Everyone I know has their shit together more than me. Okay, maybe not my drug-addicted cousin. But at least he's figured out that he needs rehab. I have no idea what I need.

My lack of motivation aside, I also have no idea how to go about working on my second draft. It needs a LOT of work. You can barely call it a story as it is now. It's a collection of scenes and when you put them all together, it's like a 500 page novel. But I'm not sure it even makes sense. I know there's a lot of scenes I need to add, and probably a lot of scenes I need to delete. I also know how I can re-work sentences to make them better and check my spelling. That is all obvious stuff. What I don't know, is how to make this story into a work of art. I don't want it to be just be some mediocre story. I want it to be brilliant. And then I get scared. Because then I start thinking about how not brilliant the premise of my story is. How not brilliant I am.

My anxiety and insecurities aside, I really don't know what to do! I feel so overwhelmed with the idea of re-working my story. There's too much information. Too many pages. Too many words. How can I keep it all straight? Then there's questions like, was it the right thing to do, to write this whole book from the first-person point of view of my main character? Or should I have mixed it up a bit? How much backstory of my major characters do I give? Did I give too much? Not enough? Did I deliver their stories in a really unimaginative way? I really just want to scream.

And speaking of wanting to scream, why do I feel so RESTLESS? I feel restless, but I feel tired. Always. I need a change, but I'm so afraid. And on that depressing note, I am going to sign out.

I'm growing old...and I wanna go home

I've had a pretty horrible week. My boyfriend was sick and as soon as he was better I was sick. It started on Thursday, it's now Thursday again, and I still feel like crap. I've missed two days of work. This month's paycheque is not going to be stellar.


Just before creating the den of sick, my boyfriend and I had one of our little talks in which we discuss breaking up for the millionth time. I guess this time it was a little different. At least it seemed more final somehow, but we haven't talked about the specifics. He brought it up the other day when I was already wanting to jump off a bridge because I already I felt like crap. He didn't like it too much when I just changed the subject, but there's only so much misery I can stand at one time, you know?

I have a really special kind of self-loathing going on these days. It's even preventing me from working on my novel. I can't stand the thought of my main character right now; she disgusts me because she comes from me.

All that keeps running through my head is it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter...cause a black-eyed dog he called at my door.