Ugly Truths

So the free tickets for Bare Naked Ladies fell through. I should have known that anything arranged by my boyfriend's sister wouldn't work out. I guess that's okay, since I haven't really listened to them since high school. I just thought it would be nice to take in a free concert of a band that I don't normally listen to. My co-worker asked if I wanted to go see The Cat Empire in July. I'm not sure I want to yet. Their music just seems so happy.

Today, my work day started out with my insane boss screaming her head off for about 45 minutes. I'm not even exaggerating. This guy admittedly makes a fair amount of mistakes at his job, but there is just never any excuse to yell at an employee as if they were five years old. It's humiliating, and she's done it to us all at one time or another. Well, I don't think she's actually yelled at me while we are alone in the same room, she seems to know better, to know that I wouldn't take that shit from her. But she has yelled at me amongst a group of us lucky employees. It just makes me so angry.

There's nothing fair about the way things are done at my place of employment. Some employees seem to get away with a lot, and others, like today's victim, seem to be constantly bullied, picked on, singled-out and used as the scapegoat. It's just such a ridiculous place to work. Absolutely ridiculous.

So why don't I look for other work? Well because that would be logical, and I am nothing if not illogical, at least in the decisions I make. My thoughts are actually very logical, at least I think they are. It's my actions that don't make sense. Basically, what I've realized is that I stay in the mouth of Hell (as I like to call it), because I do benefit from it in some way. Despite the stress, despite the unfairness and the craziness and the ridiculousness and the lack of professionalism, there are some benefits to staying. I have internally weighed the pros and cons (see, very logical): the stress of staying in the mouth of Hell, versus the stress of looking for another job and starting again as a new employee. Also, I do get away with some things that probably wouldn't fly elsewhere. For instance, I am constantly late, my lunch hour seems to be pretty flexible, I can roll my eyes and glare at people all I want without being reprimanded, I can dress as casually as I want, and most people seem to be able to take a month long vacation every summer. I haven't tested that last one out yet, as I can't afford it. These silly little perks are all I have. If I had a job that I actually cared about, none of those things would matter of course.

The thing is, when it comes to real life, I am really, really bad at it. I can't emphasize that enough. I can't even give all the details of how badly I have sabotaged my own future. Even though this blog is anonymous, I can't admit it in writing, how much of a failure I am. This relates to my job situation because I have a mental breakdown every time I have to look for a job, and I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I make myself physically sick over it. The anxiety is too much. Just the thought of sitting in a interview makes my hair stand on end, and gives me a sick feeling. My resume was decent at one time, but it was always the interview that got me. I have never been good at faking it, and I feel that's what I have to do at interviews. Because really, who wants to hire a moody, depressed loner?

So there you have it. I would rather stay at my dead-end job than look for another. This has been at the back of mind for a while. I didn't want to admit to anyone, or myself, why I stayed at this job that I'm constantly complaining about. But that is the ugly truth. I stay because I want to.

Dead Tired

I was dead tired today. Actually, I'm dead tired just about everyday. I don't understand it. At work today, I was actually contemplating just spreading out on the dirty floor and closing my eyes, and I knew that I would be able to just pass out right then and there. Did I mention I hate Mondays?

In other news, I received free tickets to go see the Bare Naked Ladies this week. I haven't actually listened to any of their albums since high school (which is way way too long ago), but hey, a free to ticket to a concert is not a bad thing.

On Friday, I am going to visit a 'friend' I have only really hung out with once. And since she lives way out of town, and has a four year old child, I'm heading there after work for a little sleepover. I've been promised pancakes so I'm hopeful it will all work out. Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.

I've been trying to force myself to be more active these days in the hopes that something will ignite inside me again. I don't get it. I have been doing some things right. This past 6 months I've been exercising more, this past year I've been eating better, I've been trying to do things I enjoy, which is basically concerts, I've been trying to be more social, and I've been trying to release some of my feelings via this blog. In the last couple of years I've completed a first draft of a novel, which is at least something.

But here I am, still me. Still depressed. Still paralyzed with indecision and fear. I guess I will just keep trying? It's either that or lie down and die, right?